What Is Empathy in PACE?
Empathy is about communicating genuine understanding of the child's emotional experience. It goes beyond simply knowing that the child is upset. It is about naming, reflecting, and sitting with the emotion in a way that helps the child feel felt.
Dan Hughes describes empathy as "feeling with" rather than "feeling for." We are not pitying the child or feeling sorry for them. We are stepping into their experience, trying to understand what the world looks like from their perspective, and communicating that understanding back to them.
Empathy is what makes the child feel they are not alone. It builds connection and helps the child feel held in their distress. Over time, it also helps the child develop their own capacity to name and understand emotions.
Empathy Is Not Sympathy
Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone. It positions us as separate from their experience, looking down or across at their pain. Sympathy can feel condescending or distancing.
Empathy is different. It is about standing alongside the child in their experience. We are not rescuing them from it or minimising it. We are acknowledging it and communicating that we can hold it with them.
Sympathy says: "Poor you, that must be awful." Empathy says: "This is really hard for you right now. I can see how much you are struggling."
Naming and Reflecting Emotions
Empathy often involves naming the emotion we see or sense in the child. This helps the child develop emotional literacy and feel understood.
When we name an emotion, we help the child make sense of what is happening in their body and mind. Many children with complex needs have limited language for feelings. They may experience overwhelming physical sensations without being able to identify what they are feeling.
By naming the emotion, we help the child move from "I feel bad" to "I feel scared" or "I feel overwhelmed." This is the beginning of regulation.
"You seem really frustrated right now."
"I can see that this is making you feel quite anxious."
"It looks like you might be feeling a bit overwhelmed by all of this."
"I wonder if you are feeling disappointed."
Tone Matters as Much as Words
The tone of voice we use when offering empathy is just as important as the words we choose. A warm, steady, gentle tone communicates safety and connection. A cold, flat, or irritated tone will undermine even the most well-chosen words.
Children are highly attuned to tone, particularly those who have experienced relational trauma. They are looking for cues about whether we are genuinely with them or whether we are simply going through the motions.
Our body language and facial expression also matter. An empathic stance is open, soft, and attuned. We move closer (if the child can tolerate proximity). We get down to their level. We slow down.
What Empathy Sounds Like in School
When a child is upset about a perceived unfairness
"I can hear how unfair that feels to you. It sounds like you are really frustrated that it happened that way."
When a child is struggling with a task
"This is feeling really hard right now, isn't it? I can see how much effort you are putting in and how frustrating it is when it doesn't come together."
When a child says "Nobody likes me"
"That sounds like such a painful thing to feel. Feeling like nobody likes you must be really lonely and scary."
When a child is angry after being told off
"I can see you are really angry with me right now. It is hard to be told you have done something wrong, especially when you might not have understood what was expected."
Empathy Helps the Child Feel Felt
Dan Siegel uses the phrase "feeling felt" to describe the experience of having someone genuinely understand and reflect back our emotional state. This is one of the most powerful experiences a human being can have.
For children who have experienced relational trauma, adversity, or chronic misattunement, feeling felt can be transformative. It communicates: "You are not alone. Your feelings are real and valid. I can hold this with you."
Over time, this helps the child internalise a sense of being understood and valued. It builds the foundation for secure attachment and emotional regulation.
Empathy Over Reassurance
It is natural to want to reassure a child who is distressed. We want to tell them it will be okay, that they are worrying about nothing, that everything will be fine. This is driven by our own discomfort with their pain.
But reassurance often backfires. It can communicate that we cannot tolerate their distress, or that their feelings are not valid. It can shut down connection rather than building it.
Empathy is more powerful than reassurance. Instead of saying "Don't worry, it will be fine," we say "I can see how worried you are about this. That must be really hard." We sit with the feeling rather than trying to fix it.
Empathy: "I can see this is really upsetting for you. It feels really big right now."
When to Use Empathy
Empathy is particularly important in moments of high emotion. When a child is dysregulated, empathy helps them feel less alone and more able to begin regulating.
Empathy is also essential after conflict or difficulty. It helps repair the relationship and rebuild trust. Even if we have had to set a firm boundary or consequence, we can still offer empathy for how hard that was for the child.
Empathy is not about condoning behaviour. We can offer empathy for the feeling while still addressing the behaviour later, when the child is regulated.