Curiosity

What Is Curiosity in PACE?

Curiosity is about wondering aloud about what might be behind the behaviour. It is an open, non-judgmental exploration of the child's inner world. Rather than assuming we know why a child has done something, we approach with genuine interest and a willingness to be wrong.

Curiosity communicates several powerful messages to the child: "I am interested in understanding you. I do not assume I already know. Your inner world matters to me. We can work this out together."

This is a shared exploration, not an interrogation. The adult is not extracting information or demanding explanations. Instead, we are inviting the child into a collaborative process of making sense of what happened.

Wondering, Not Interrogating

The language of curiosity is tentative and inviting. We use phrases like "I wonder if..." and "I'm noticing that..." rather than "Why did you do that?" or "What were you thinking?"

The word "why" can feel accusatory, especially to a child who is already feeling shame or defensiveness. It implies that there should be a good reason, and that the child is expected to produce one. For many children, particularly those with complex needs, they genuinely do not know why they did something. Their behaviour was driven by feelings they could not name or regulate.

Curiosity creates a different dynamic. It takes the pressure off the child to have an answer. It invites them to explore alongside us, not defend themselves to us.

What Curiosity Sounds Like

After a child has been disruptive

Interrogation: "Why did you do that? You know that's not okay."

Curiosity: "I'm wondering what was going on for you just then. I'm noticing that things seemed to get really big really quickly."

When a child refuses to engage

Interrogation: "What's wrong with you today? Why won't you do your work?"

Curiosity: "I wonder if something is feeling really hard right now. I'm curious about what might be making it difficult to get started."

After a conflict with another child

Interrogation: "Why did you push him? What did you think would happen?"

Curiosity: "I'm wondering if something happened that made you feel really frustrated or scared. I'm noticing that your body seemed to move before you had time to think."

Curiosity as Co-Regulation

When we approach a situation with curiosity, we model something powerful for the child: we show them that behaviour can be understood, not just judged. We demonstrate that there is always a reason behind what we do, even if we cannot always see it clearly in the moment.

This helps the child develop their own capacity for self-reflection and emotional literacy. Over time, they begin to internalise the curious voice: "I wonder what was going on for me there. What was I feeling? What did I need?"

Curiosity also helps the adult stay regulated. When we are curious, we are less likely to react from our own frustration or anxiety. We are more likely to remain in a state of openness and connection.

Shared Exploration, Not Interpretation

It is important that curiosity remains collaborative. We are not telling the child what they were feeling or why they did something. We are offering possibilities and inviting their input.

This means being genuinely open to being wrong. We might say "I wonder if you were feeling really worried about getting it wrong," and the child might respond "No, I just didn't understand what to do." This is valuable information. Our curiosity has helped the child identify the actual barrier, rather than the one we assumed.

If we present our interpretation as fact - "You did that because you were feeling anxious" - we shut down the exploration and risk the child feeling misunderstood or lectured.

Helpful Curious Phrases

• "I wonder if..."
• "I'm noticing that..."
• "I'm curious about what might have been going on for you..."
• "Help me understand what that was like for you..."
• "I'm wondering whether..."
• "What do you think was happening there?"
• "It seems like something felt really hard just then. I'm wondering what that might have been..."
• "Is it okay if I share what I'm thinking? I might be wrong, but I'm wondering if..."

When to Use Curiosity

Curiosity is most effective when the child is regulated enough to engage with reflection. If a child is still in fight, flight, or freeze mode, curiosity will not land. They are not in a state where they can think about their thinking.

In the immediate moment of high dysregulation, focus on acceptance and empathy. Curiosity comes later, when the child has returned to their window of tolerance and is able to reflect.

Curiosity is also essential for effective discipline. Before we can address behaviour, we need to understand what drove it. Connection before correction. Curiosity before consequence.